Biggest Surprises from Parenthood

In April of 2005, I became a father and life has been dramatically different ever since. I now have two little boys, and I haven't had one "dull" moment since I became their Daddy. It's been more than four years of constant adventure that's nothing at all like I would have expected, so I thought I'd share my "Top Ten" biggest surprises from parenthood:

10. The Chaos. I guess I imagined that "good genes" (from their mom) would make my kids behave perfectly and I would naturally know how to deal with any issues that arose. I was wrong on both counts. It has been beautiful chaos since day one.

9. The Demons. I wasn't sure how I felt about demonic possession in the modern era until I became the father of toddlers. Now I'm quite sure it still exists, because I've seen them both druel and scream scarier than any exorcism on tv.

8. The Smells. I had no idea, but small children are capable of creating foul and putrid scents so disgusting and repugnant that I've often felt like I'm trapped in a gas chamber dying a slow death.

7. The Volume. Bose Stereos used to advertise the amount of volume their tiny speakers could produce. I now know that their research must have been based on small children, because my kids can scream so loudly that my ears hurt for hours afterwards.

6. The Cuteness. I think God made kids so cute just so their parents wouldn't kill them. My kids could burn the house down, but then give me one of their cute looks and I wouldn't be able to stay mad.

5. The Diapers. I still can figure out how it is scientifically possible for a small child to consume 10 ounces of food and liquid and then produce 30 ounces of foul-smelling waste.

4. The Fighting. Kids who grow up without siblings aren't as tough because they never have to get into a fist fight over a teddy bear. Humans' selfish nature starts young, because our boys came out of the womb ready to fight for their toys.

3. The Grandparents. The day that I became a parent was the day that my parents became alien life-forms who are incapable of showing restraint when it comes to their grandbabies. I think my folks might actually go bankrupt buying Thomas the Tank Engine toys, Disney Movies and ice cream for the boys. So much for my inheritance.

2. The Sleep Deprivation. When my single friends tell me that they sleep ten hours a night and still need Starbucks to wake them up, I have to restrain myself from punching them in the face. Actually, I lack the strength to punch anyways because as the parent of small children, I don't sleep. I don't fantasize about sex or money or anything like that, but I fantasize all the time about sprawling out on a big comfy bed and sleeping. Oh, yeah.

1. The Love. I had no idea I was capable of loving anybody the way I love my boys and their hot mom. It has given me a beautiful insight into the immeasurable love that God has for each of His kids. I'm a lucky man.

Annoying Christians

Jeff Foxworthy says that he can only joke about rednecks because he is a redneck and loves rednecks. I feel the same way about Christians. As a follower of Jesus, I love my fellow Christians, but sometimes they do stuff that just seems annoying to me, so out of love and honesty, I've posted a Top Ten list of some of my biggest pet peeves in all the Christian world.

10. Christians who pray loudly before their meal and then treat their waitress rudely and leave a cheap tip. If you can't afford to tip well, then you can't afford to eat out. If you can't treat your server with respect, you probably shouldn't leave your house much. You're the reason why servers hate working the Sunday lunch shift.

9. Christians who have poor personal hygiene. Just because you're "washed in the blood" it doesn't mean you get a pass on bathing daily.

8. Christians who say that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into grape juice. Saying that Jesus made "great wine" at a Jewish wedding with no alcohol would be like saying he made "great tea" at a South Carolina wedding with no sugar.

7. Christians who say they care deeply for "lost people" but they don't have one meaningful relationship with anybody outside the church.

6. Christians who make their political affiliation more sacred than their affiliation to Jesus.

5. Christians who like cats and/or dislike dogs. God made some animals superior to others.

4. Christians who use words like "fornication" in regular sentences. Just say sex, weirdo.

3. Christians who fall asleep during the service but then tell the pastor the sermon was good afterwards. I can see you from the stage and I know who you are.

2. Christians who refer to each other as Brother so and so or Sister so and so. I guess it's sweet and respectful on some level, but overall, it makes me feel like I'm in cult, so I'd much prefer to just be called Dave.

1. Hypocrites. This one annoys me the most because I fall into this category most days which makes me as annoying as anybody. Luckily, we serve a grace-filled and loving God.

Lazy Revolution

It's remarkable to me just how lazy we have become as a society. When I hear about drive-by shootings on the news, I think, "wow...I remember a time when criminals had the courtesy to get out of their cars to shoot you." This new "Lazy Revolution" isn't confined to criminals; it has infected people from all walks of life and pastors as well. I don't have to spend time looking through my Bible for a passage, because my computer does it for me. I text in partial words, because "whole words" take way too long to write out, and I rarely write a "whole blog" because twitter has empowered me to record my thoughts in one sentence which makes writing a whole paragraph seem daunting. I have much more to say on this issue, but my fingers are getting very tired from all this typing so I'm going to have to take a break.

99 Balloons

This is a very touching story that reminds me of the power of life. Life is always a precious gift from our good and faithful God. Take a few minutes to watch this video...it will be the most powerful thing you see all day.

Grace Amazing

A few nights ago, I was watching Saving Private Ryan on TV. It's a great film which reminds me of the unbelievable price so many soldiers paid for our freedom. I caught it just before the climactic final scene where Private Ryan has been rescued and the brave Captain who had given his life to protect the young man pulled him close and with his dying breath issued an impossible challenge..."Earn it"! The scene flashes forward to an elderly Ryan on the shores of Normandy at the graveside of that Captain. As he weeps at the tomb, we see the pain and guilt that has haunted him every day since he had been saved. Those words, "Earn it", replayed in his mind perpetually and he was haunted by the fear that he owed a debt he could never repay.

Sadly, many Christians choose to live in this type of guilt and hopelessness. The fact is, Christ paid a debt on our behalf that we could never possibly repay. In our pride and self-sufficiency, we're quick to trade in the freedom of grace for the treadmill of good works as we attempt to earn our salvation. We convince ourselves that God won't be pleased with us until He sees how good we are, but Jesus didn't die for us because we were good, He did it because He is good, and He didn't use his dying words to say "earn it". Instead, He said, "it is finished"! Stop trying to earn grace and start embracing the freedom of it. Our victory is not in our goodness, but in the goodness of our Savior.