Biggest Surprises from Parenthood

In April of 2005, I became a father and life has been dramatically different ever since. I now have two little boys, and I haven't had one "dull" moment since I became their Daddy. It's been more than four years of constant adventure that's nothing at all like I would have expected, so I thought I'd share my "Top Ten" biggest surprises from parenthood:

10. The Chaos. I guess I imagined that "good genes" (from their mom) would make my kids behave perfectly and I would naturally know how to deal with any issues that arose. I was wrong on both counts. It has been beautiful chaos since day one.

9. The Demons. I wasn't sure how I felt about demonic possession in the modern era until I became the father of toddlers. Now I'm quite sure it still exists, because I've seen them both druel and scream scarier than any exorcism on tv.

8. The Smells. I had no idea, but small children are capable of creating foul and putrid scents so disgusting and repugnant that I've often felt like I'm trapped in a gas chamber dying a slow death.

7. The Volume. Bose Stereos used to advertise the amount of volume their tiny speakers could produce. I now know that their research must have been based on small children, because my kids can scream so loudly that my ears hurt for hours afterwards.

6. The Cuteness. I think God made kids so cute just so their parents wouldn't kill them. My kids could burn the house down, but then give me one of their cute looks and I wouldn't be able to stay mad.

5. The Diapers. I still can figure out how it is scientifically possible for a small child to consume 10 ounces of food and liquid and then produce 30 ounces of foul-smelling waste.

4. The Fighting. Kids who grow up without siblings aren't as tough because they never have to get into a fist fight over a teddy bear. Humans' selfish nature starts young, because our boys came out of the womb ready to fight for their toys.

3. The Grandparents. The day that I became a parent was the day that my parents became alien life-forms who are incapable of showing restraint when it comes to their grandbabies. I think my folks might actually go bankrupt buying Thomas the Tank Engine toys, Disney Movies and ice cream for the boys. So much for my inheritance.

2. The Sleep Deprivation. When my single friends tell me that they sleep ten hours a night and still need Starbucks to wake them up, I have to restrain myself from punching them in the face. Actually, I lack the strength to punch anyways because as the parent of small children, I don't sleep. I don't fantasize about sex or money or anything like that, but I fantasize all the time about sprawling out on a big comfy bed and sleeping. Oh, yeah.

1. The Love. I had no idea I was capable of loving anybody the way I love my boys and their hot mom. It has given me a beautiful insight into the immeasurable love that God has for each of His kids. I'm a lucky man.